The one that got away
by wilsonstories
Summary: Hope you all like this story. The story starts of with Sonny and Paul!
1. Chapter 1

**Sonny's POV**

The moment I look into his eyes I almost unconsciously lean forward a little bit. I don't even realise that the way I look at him is a silent encouragement, a wordless confirmation that I missed him too. The way my lips part ever so slightly must tell him what I am thinking about. The way his left hand grabs my face and the almost wild touch of his lips against mine is enough to make me lose myself for just a moment and I kiss him back without restraint. But suddenly I feel the ring around my finger and I pull back.

"What are you doing here…?"

He talks about his shoulder and surgery, and before I know it he is kissing me again and I cannot ignore the rush of memories washing over me. The rattling of the door is enough to startle him though, and as so many times before I cover for him, keeping his secret safe. While I make up how I kicked the door shut, I realise this is just a vivid reminder of why I walked away from him, why I decided he and I could not have a future together. Leaving him was a rational decision and it took me a long time to glue the pieces of my heart back together. It was a decision based on his inability to come out to the world, and I made it despite loving him more than I thought I could love anyone. When he leaves the room his eyes beg me:

"We could spent some more time together…"

And then he is gone and I feel torn and confused. His taste on my lips and the smell of his aftershave cloud my mind and I remember how we parted a few years ago.

"_So is this all we will ever have?"_

"_Sonny… I'm sorry but…"_

_I don't let him finish his apology as I have heard it all before. _

"_No… you know what? I don't want to hear another crappy explanation…"_

_I turn around towards the door but before I can reach it he is standing in front of me, almost desperately grabbing my wrists:_

"_Please…"_

_He is so close to me it is hard to think straight and eventually I just look down and mumble:_

"_Let me go."_

_His grip on my arms only tightens and he pleads:_

"_Just until my career is over… I cannot be the gay baseball player… you know… I just, I love you and I love baseball…"_

_I feel myself lean into his touch until my forehead touches his chest. His strong arms curl around me and I take a few deep breaths to stop myself from crying. Then I pull back and look into his eyes:_

"_I don't want to live a hidden live… I hate secrets… I came out because I believe there is no need to be ashamed of who I am and how I want to live my life…"_

_I bite my bottom lip and then I continue while I feel my heart breaking inside my chest:_

"_I cannot be with someone who wants to hide me… us… from the world. I'm sorry…"_

_I quickly move past him, and once the door is closed behind me I feel a warm tear finding its way down my cheek. _

(…)

I take a deep breath before I open the door. When I walk into his room I see his eyes light up, and he tries to stand up from his bed. I shake my head:

"That's OK…"

He does sit up though and for a moment we just look at each other. The intensity in his eyes is almost too much for me so I try to start a light conversation:

"Shoulder feeling OK?"

He nods and I try to come up with any other harmless topic but he is the first to speak:

"You look good…"

I feel a blush coming up and he smiles softly:

"I hear you own a business."

"Yeah…"

Within an introduction I decide to just tell him what I came to say. I hold my hand up to show him the ring around my finger:

"I'm with the person I am supposed to be with for the rest of my life…"

His stare is intense and then he moves towards me a bit while saying:

"I don't believe that for a second…"

He stands up and I just cannot move. His body aligns with mine and he pulls my face against his shoulder while his muscular arms wrap me up against his chest. I feel the warmth of his breath while he whispers:

"I don't believe it…"

I don't have the strength in me to resist his hug and my arms curve around his waist. I feel my body relax against his and for a moment I forget all about the present and feel as though we are just twenty years old and head over heels in love with each other.

"I missed you."

His voice brings me back to reality and finally I pull away:

"I'm married, Paul… I moved on."

A pained look crosses his face for a second and then he mumbles:

"So you married your second choice."

For a moment I don't know what to say, for a moment I have to think about that. I cannot instantly deny it so I just say:

"You were no longer an option…"

"That was your decision."

"Do you really think we would have been happy hiding everything we shared for years and years?"

He looks down and I take a deep breath while massaging my forehead with my fingers.

"I didn't come here to fight."

His hand reaches out and holds my hand in his:

"You still do that…"

"Do what…?"

"Rub your forehead as if you can massage your brain…"

"Sorry."

"No… I missed that…"

I pull away:

"Stop saying you missed me…"

"Then stop doing all the things I like about you."

My shoulders drop and I sigh deeply. I reach for the doorknob mumbling:

"This was a mistake."

But before I open the door and leave he says:

"Sonny… it' not that I didn't love you."

I turn towards him, unable to hide the glistening tears in my eyes:

"I know… that is the worst part."

(…)

The moment I come home I decide to take a long hot shower. The warm water massages my tense muscles and with a sigh I close my eyes. I quickly open them again when I see a memory flash before my eyes of a naked Paul walking into the shower cabin, wasting no time while he pulls me into his arms. I shake my head and mumble:

"Will…"

I close my eyes and force myself to think about Will pushing me under the water while his hands go through my hair. Hands I held when I spoke my wedding vows, hands than touched me many times, hands that carry a wedding ring similar to mine. _You married your second choice. You married you second choice. You married your second choice._ I keep hearing Paul's voice in my head and with a pounding heart I ask myself out loud:

"Did I?"

I stop the water and just stand lean against the wall, trying to find an answer. Did I marry Will because Paul was no longer an option? Would I have married Paul if he would not be hiding himself from the world? My brain is going a hundred miles an hour and I feel a headache coming up. Soon I curl up on the couch, hoping to sleep soundly, but the moment I fall asleep I dream about what could have been.

"_Are you sure?"_

"_I love you Sonny… I will do anything for you… and I don't want to hide you… or myself, for that matter."_

_His eyes sparkle and I feel my heart burst with happiness. For almost a year now we have had a secret relationship and all this time I have wanted for us to be able to share our love with the world. Today, finally, he told me he is ready. But I have to ask, just to be sure:_

"_What about baseball…? What about your career?"_

"_They can like it or hate it… they can accept it or throw me out…"_

_His hands cup my face and his thumbs stroke my cheeks with a tenderness that is almost too much to take:_

"_I love you."_

_He leans over and his lips are on mine, soft and firm at the same time, while his tongue finds it way passed my lips. My fingers softly slide over his shoulders and biceps and I feel how I press myself against his body._

With a gasp I wake up. My heart is pounding and my headache has only gotten worse. I lie back down, my eyes closed while I press the palm of my hand against my forehead. I wish I would understand my feelings right now. My fingers automatically find my phone and Will's number, but just before I dial I throw the phone away. _You married your second choice?_ I pull a cushion against my chest and feel how two warm tears find their way down my cheeks. While emotions flow through me I whisper with a pained voice:

"Why did you let me go?"

The sting in my chest is a feeling I have been covering up for the past three years, and now it is back as strong as it was after we just broke up. Walking away from him was a rational decision, but it broke my heart. I tremble slightly from the feelings that rush through me and eventually I just lie down again, pulling the cushion closer towards me in an attempt to find comfort while his words keep echoing: _You married your second choice. _And with a quivering voice I mumble into the pillow:

"Perhaps I did…"

(…)

The lights are dimmed while I close down the club. Everyone has already left and it is just me. I text Will I wish he was with me and then get back to work. A knock on the door interrupts me and slightly irritated I pull the door open. My heart stops for a second and then I step aside to let him in. I am not sure what to say and luckily he fills the silence:

"They let me go today… surgery was a success and now I just have to do some intensive physiotherapy…"

I nod and ask softly:

"How did you know I was here?"

He smiles and I feel it land straight into my heart:

"Maxine, the nurse, told me this is your club."

I have to do my best to stay focused as I feel my mind wandering off to the dream I had last night. I try not to think about my break down on the couch, while I remind myself wordlessly of the promise I made this morning that I am going to focus on my husband. I walk passed Paul only to feel the warmth that is radiating from his skin.

"Sonny…"

I stand behind the bar, because for some reason I need a physical barrier between him and me. I raise my eyebrows, wanting him to say what he wants to say, and so he does:

"I know you are married… and I don't want to ruin things for you… I really don't."

I nod and smile ever so slightly. He shrugs:

"But please tell me that you feel nothing for me at all… please, I need you to say that to me…"

I look at him and try to find my voice to tell him what he wants me to say. But nothing comes out and I just stare at the floor.

"Sonny…"

I shake my head and bite my bottom lip. He just stands there, waiting for me to say something and eventually I hear the sounds of my trembling voice:

"I am so confused right now…"

The moment I realise he is walking behind the bar is the moment he is kissing me. It is just a soft and tender kiss and then he lets me go. His eyes twinkle and I feel a sudden energy that has taken a hold of him. Then he walks towards the door and just before he walks out he turns around to say:

"I will do anything… anything… to get you back…"

And then he is gone and I realise I have ruined the moment that could have fixed all of this with just a few words. If I would have just said that he didn't mean anything to me anymore he would have walked out. But because I hesitated and eventually shared my feelings with him, I made a mess of everything. A sudden bleep from my phone tells me I have a message. It is Will:

'Wish I was there too… I would turn the music up and slow dance with you until we are too tired to stand up… I love you.'

His message makes me feel worse as I realise I am not a very good husband at the moment. I just push the phone in my pocket and finish the rest of my work. I do put the music on quite loud, just to drown out any thoughts I could possibly have. And I softly sing along with Katy Perry, not sure whether I am singing about Will leaving to go to Hollywood or about Paul choosing his baseball career over me:

"In another life I would make you stay, so I don't have to say you were the one that got away."

**If this story is appreciated (so let me know via your reviews) I can turn this into a multi chapter story. Obviously, Sonny can choose either Will or Paul and I am very curious what you would like to see!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for all your reviews! It means a lot to me! And of course hereby a new chapter. Italics are either memories, day dreams, or actual dreams.**

**Sonny's POV**

"I have to go… duty calls."

His blue eyes look sad into the camera, and I wish I could crawl through the skype screen and wrap him up against my chest.

"OK."

"Can we Skype again tomorrow?"

I smile happily and nod:

"Of course."

He is stalling and tries to stretch our time together, but when his phone rings for the third time he sighs deeply while blowing a kiss my way:

"I love you… speak soon?"

I agree again and then he is gone and I just stare at a notice from Skype asking me if the call was satisfactory. I bite my bottom lip while staring at the options and eventually I push the laptop away. I realise I love Skype and I hate Skype at the same time. I love talking to Will and see him on my screen, his big blue ocean eyes staring at me. But I hate that I cannot lean over to kiss him or enjoy the feeling of his fingers in my hair. My phone beeps and I expect it to be Will. But when I open the message I frown in surprise:

'I ordered too much Chinese… want to come over to my hotel room and help me out?'

I know I should refuse, I should text him back that I will not join him tonight or ever. But when I look around me and am only met by silence and emptiness I answer:

'Sure, be right there.'

The moment I press sent I feel guilty, as if having dinner with Paul is enough to be fully cheating on my husband, who was on my laptop screen only minutes ago telling me he loves me. I sigh and mumble:

"Only one dinner… just tonight."

While I grab my keys my eyes find our wedding picture on the wall and suddenly the weight of the world is on my shoulders. What am I doing? I am lonely, I miss my husband, and I am about to meet my first love who still makes me flush when he smiles at me. It doesn't take much to realise I am not over him, but I refuse to believe that makes Will my second choice. With a sigh I sit down on the couch, unsure whether to stay in or to meet Paul. In my head I hear Will's response when I would tell him I had dinner with Paul.

"_You did what?"_

"_It was just dinner…"_

"_At his hotel room… just dinner with an ex-boyfriend… while I am miles away trying to provide for our family?"_

"_It meant nothing..."_

"_Nothing…? It mean absolutely everything to me, Sonny… everything… because you are everything to me…"_

I frown, wishing the door would open and Will would walk in making all my reasons for leaving this apartment disappear. For another moment I listen to the lonely silence and then I stand up while saying out loud:

"Don't blame me when you decided to leave the state…"

(…)

The moment I walk into the hotel room I feel like I step back into time. But this time we don't greet each other with an intense kiss, instead we smile awkwardly and eventually he just points to the food on the table and we both sit down. He lists everything he ordered and when he is finished I mumble:

"My favourites…"

He smiles and I feel it land straight into my heart:

"I got so just to order them…"

We stare into each other's eyes too long and with an insecure cough I look away and start dinner with some chicken wings. I decide to aim for neutral territory, and so I ask him about his shoulder:

"How is it going?"

"Better every day… although progress is slow… very slow."

"Doing your exercises every day?"

He nods and sighs:

"I do… but I miss the proper work outs… you know… an athlete who cannot work out feels a bit lost…"

I don't answer but cannot stop the images that flash before my eyes of a sweaty Paul working out at the gym.

"You're blushing… why are you blushing?"

I tear myself away from the images and shove a fork full of rice in my mouth and just shrug, hoping he will move away from the subject. But when our eyes meet my mind relives a precious moment:

"_Hi…"_

_With a surprised look he turns towards me:_

"_Sonny… what are you doing here."_

_He looks around him to check if anyone is around to see us and I try to ignore the sting I feel from that almost invisible movement. I ask, unable to hide my insecurity:_

"_Aren't you glad to see me?"_

_His facial features soften and he smiles his cute smile:_

"_Of course I am."_

_He still seems uncomfortable to be seen with me in a gym, where everyone can suddenly walk in, so I say softly:_

"_Don't worry, I checked… there is no one else here."_

_He smiles and I see the fear on his face:_

"_They can show up anytime, Sonny… why don't you come upstairs to my room in about ten minutes?"_

_I try to hide my disappointment, but he stands up and casually walks past me while brushing his body against mine. I know I cannot resist and ten minutes later I walk past him while he holds his door open for me. I hear the door fall closed and at the same time he is hugging me from behind._

"_You are not mad at me?"_

_I cannot help but smile while I lean back in his arms:_

"_No… I'm not mad…"_

_His lips kiss my neck and my hand comes up to press him against me even closer. Eventually he does let go and he turns me around in his arms, and while he pulls me close again he whispers emotionally:_

"_One day Sonny… one day you and I won't have to hide anymore. And then I will take you out to dinner and go to the gym with you and hold your hand while we walk through the park… I promise."_

_I drink in the words, feeling the intense need to believe them more than anything. He leans closer so our foreheads touch and he mumbles while his eyes stare straight into mine:_

"_Believe me… one day I will tell the whole world how much I love you."_

_It is all I need to hear and I let him kiss me deeply, while he pushes me towards his bed. When I am lying on my back he crawls on top of me. He pulls my shirt up and kisses my stomach while murmuring:_

"_But right now… the world will have to wait because I am going to show you… only you… how much I love you…"_

"You are blushing again."

I try to look away and come up with an excuse, but he reaches out and when his hand is on my skin I realise I cannot think straight. I pull back and walk towards the door. But he stops me and looks into my eyes:

"Don't walk away now…."

"I have to."

"Why…"

I just shake my head and he says softly:

"Please don't walk away when we both feel something… please don't ignore what is happening between us…"

I look at the floor and swallow hard:

"Nothing is happening."

He takes one more step towards me and whispers:

"That can change any moment now…"

I feel how my body wants to lean in for a kiss but with all the will power I have I pull away and turn around:

"Stop this… just stop…"

"Why…"

I turn to face him and my eyes sparkle with pain and anger:

"Because even now you live a secret… during our time together you hid me… you said you loved me, you say you feel something… but always only behind a closed door."

I see the defeat on his face and then he seems to decide to not defend himself but to go into a counter attack:

"You were the one showing up here… you cannot deny that you still have feelings for me… and now you want to walk away yet again"

I helplessly raise my hands and almost shout:

"I never said I walked away because I didn't love you, Paul… to be honest that is the whole problem… I loved you then and I still do… but I don't want to be hidden as if you are ashamed of me."

His answer is a whisper:

"And what if I came out?"

I feel as though he just hit me in my face:

"What?"

He doesn't answer and his eyes just seem to beg me to give him an answer. I shake my head in confusion and eventually I just say:

"I am married."

His eyes don't let go of me and I mumble:

"I don't know, Paul…"

"I meant what I said…"

"What did you say?"

"That I would do anything to get you back… anything…"

"Paul…"

He sighs and then just helplessly shrugs:

"I love you… I never stopped… I cannot watch you walk away again… not again…"

He looks like he is about to break down and the moment I turn around to walk out of the door I hear him fall apart. In a second I am next to him and I wrap him up against me while I whisper sweet nothings in his ear to calm him down. I hate to see him in pain, and I hate to see him cry. He slowly collects himself and then he pulls back:

"Thank you…"

I nod and look away while I try explain what I feel:

"It is not that I stopped loving you at any point in time… It is just that I learned to accept you were out of my reach… And then I fell in love with Will… A different love, but not my second choice…"

I look at him while I say that, needing him to understand what I am saying:

"You were my first love… but you let me go… and I let myself love Will, and he loves me back…not only when the door is closed and no-one can see us."

I see that my words hurt him but I want to tell him more:

"Last New Year we celebrated it at the club and when midnight came he rushed over to me and he kissed me in the middle of the club. When we just started dating and he was still scared of the whole being-gay-thing, he didn't shy away from kissing me on the couch in the middle of Horton Town Square. I cannot tell you how many times we sat at one of the tables in my coffee house and kissed, while many people were around us. He doesn't hide me… he is proud of me… and he is an amazing man… and I love him."

I stop my rambling and look at Paul, knowing I have hurt him with everything I have said. I reach out for the door and whisper:

"You let me go… You did that…"

And while I open the door all I hear is a tearful whisper:

"I never stopped loving you, Sonny…"

I swallow and close the door behind me and while I blink away the tears I walk towards my car. I find my seat behind the wheel I mumble

"Neither have I, Paul."

(…)

"Hi, babe…"

When I see his face appear on the screen I smile softly:

"Hi honey…"

His excitement is hard to miss and without a pause he says:

"Guess what…"

"What?"

His bright smile makes my heart a million pounds lighter and then he says happily:

"I am coming home…"

"What? When?"

He laughs and explains:

"Ari and I are scheduled to fly back to Salem in two days."

"What?"

I am whispering and I feel my throat close with emotions. He just smiles sweetly and says softly:

"I wish I could hold you now…"

I nod and blink a few tears away. But then I have to ask:

"How long for?"

His eyes are open and wide when he looks at me through the laptop screen:

"Forever…"

This time I can blink all I want but a warm tear trickles down my cheek. He leans forward as if he can reach out to me and kiss it away:

"Sonny…"

I smile through my tears:

"You are coming home…."

He nods and smiles back:

"I missed you… too much…"

"Me too…"

"Just two more days…"

I sigh and wipe my cheeks:

"How am I supposed to get through those two days…?"

"By thinking of all the things we can do when we are back."

I blush when he does his two eyebrow lifts that are more cute than sexy, and it only takes a second to have happy memories tumbling before my eyes. Moment of us together and happy family moment are we were happy daddies to our little girl. We finish the call and I walk straight to bed where I curl up on Will's side of the bed, while hugging his pillow and wearing one of his shirts. I close my eyes and with a big smile on my face I dream of their home coming.

"_You are really here… in our apartment"_

_I feel a thud in my heart when my eyes meet his. _

"_I really am…"_

_Looking into his eyes is almost too intense and I whisper with a lump in my throat:_

"_Hold me…"_

_He immediately pulls me close and I lean against his strong body. He seems to want to encapsulate me and I am a happy captive. I feel how slowly our hearts find each other's beat and his whisper in my ear gives me the strength I need:_

"_I love you so much…"_

_He sighs deeply and pulls back to let his eyes roam over my face without rush or embarrassment. I feel a blush coming up and while his thumbs softly stroke my skin he smiles:_

"_You are so beautiful."_

_I smile shyly, and I know my eyes are asking him to make me believe it. He smiles even wider and nods:_

"_So beautiful…"_

_I lean forward and kiss him again, unable to tell him in any other way how much I love him. With just one push I have him on his back on our bed and while I climb on top of him I whisper:_

"_Love me…unashamed… please, love me."_

_His hands cup my and with a frown he asks:_

"_Why would I be ashamed… of what?"_

_I shrug and cannot hide how my eyes are swimming in tears:_

"_Nothing… I just… I need… I need to know."_

_Before I can finish my sentence he lays his finger over my lips to stop me from talking. His sparkling blue eyes are softer than I have ever seen and he whispers:_

"_Anything you need, baby… I will show you how proud I am to be the one who is allowed to love you…"_

_With just one movement I am on my back and he is on top of me and with his soft lips against my naked skin he promises again:_

"_I am so proud to be your husband… so proud."_

_I shiver when he speaks those words and with his breath in my ear he continues:_

"_And tomorrow you, me and Ari are going to have a picnic in the park… and we are going to spend time with our family and friends, so I can tell them why I came back…"_

_I pull back and cup his face so he has to look into my eyes:_

"_Why…?"_

_His leans forward to kiss my lips:_

"_Because we belong together… always… everywhere…"_

**I think I can add at least one more chapter, let me know what you think and what you would like to see. **_  
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